My bio describes me as “a happy nomad”, which is true. There’s been a certain amount of excitement each time I’ve dragged out the suitcases… Except for the time I had to travel out-of-state to finalize personal business with my ex. I promise there was NOTHING I looked forward to on that trip. Otherwise I’ve been the eternal optimist, focused on the good in every situation.
But, recently I packed my PS4.
Though I’ve spent a lot of time on the go, for the past year there’s been one place I’ve visited enough to loosely describe it as “home”. But the time has come to leave that place, for months this time rather than weeks, and suddenly I don’t know if it will ever be “home” again.
So, yes, I packed my PS4. I packed my PS3. I packed my Wii, and all my video games, along with hundreds of DVDs from my movie and TV collection, a box or two of YA novels… of course, all my self help books… and I was struck with a sadness that caught me off guard.
“How can you not be thrilled?” I asked myself, knowing there were so many good things coming. But, I didn’t answer myself because… well… I can be rude that way. And I refused to listen to my best inspirational pep talks, choosing instead to imagine all the things that could go wrong, then succumb to a crazy bout of anxiety and depression, and then cry myself to sleep. I was like a bathtub, filled to the brim with water, until someone reached in, pulled the plug, and watched it all drain away. And, pop quiz… Why?
Because I’d packed my PS4. (Please try to keep up better!)
Yes, I’m sounding a little crazy. I guess I’m starting to miss the sense of security and belonging that comes from a real home. Perhaps it’s time for a change in my life… time to build a life that doesn’t fit into my car, This won’t happen quickly, but I can take some steps in that direction, right? And, in the meantime, I can focus on gratitude… be thankful for the wonderful places I go, and the wonderful people I meet.
I used to do some comedy acting, and the punch line for one corny skit was, “Patience, ass, patience.” This situation doesn’t have to last forever. I’ll make a plan, take the required steps to create change, then the hardest part… I’ll keep telling myself, “Patience, ass, patience.”